2013/05/23 - 救生員培訓課日誌 (5/13 ~ 5/22)

2013-05-14, 星期二

親愛的寶貝，回家看到你們熟睡的臉龐，很捨不得沒有陪你們吃飯睡覺、聽你們講今天過得怎麼樣。一連一個月晚上媽咪都有雜務，知道你們想媽咪。試著解釋給你們聽為什麼媽咪要做這些事，不知你們有沒有聽懂，但很感動你們的配合。

其實，上救生員班對媽咪而言真的很辛苦。40 歲的我，夾在十幾二十歲的大孩子中，體力真的差很多。昨天，做入訓資格考，我真的覺得我快溺死在泳池裡了。今天一整天，只要一想到晚上還要去同樣的課，心中沒有一點喜悅，只有緊張到想吐。就算現在，坐在這裡寫著，想到游那 200 公尺的感覺，我還是不自主地心跳加快、呼吸急促。那種喘不過氣來地感覺、那種游不到岸的惶恐，每次從岸邊腳一蹬，我就會看到自己溺水的景象。

那為什麼媽咪還要持續呢?  因為它是必須的。有了救生員執照，才能考游泳教練執照；有了游泳教練執照，才能成為生之光的培訓講師。在教寶寶游泳這麼多年後，我認為它是我的下一步。所以，在你們學習的過程中，如果遇到很困難的事，希望你們會想到媽咪的經驗。如果認定是值得做的，就全力以付去做，畢竟沒做過，怎麼知道自己不行呢?  而就算這次不行，也還是有下次啊。所以，說實話，媽咪並沒有把握可以通過這次培訓後的認證考試，甚至已經有心理準備過不了。因此，就把它當下次培訓班的預習吧。有練，總是有進步~

昨天練習抬頭蛙和抬頭捷。抬頭蛙不困難，就像背著你們游泳一般。但抬頭捷就難了，而且好難。覺得游得像狗爬式，而且還是一隻快溺死的狗。。。

今天早上送你們上課後，媽咪就很努力地趴在板凳上，試著讓身體記起捷泳該有的感覺。只是划了幾下手就酸到抬不起來了，嗯，地心引力是很強的。。。

今天上課，第一件事還是游 200 公尺。我還是覺得我快要溺死了，尤其是抬頭捷，划不到 10 公尺就必須站起來。還好後來教的基本仰泳還算簡單，就像讓你們趴在我身上一起游一樣。最後的側泳。。。嗯，沒有做得很好，還喝了好幾口水，喝到教練問我喝飽了沒。。。但，我有信心應該可以捉到側泳的訣竅。

所以，媽咪的策略是（記得，做任何事都要有策略）把抬頭蛙和仰泳做到 100 分，側泳做到 80 分，抬頭捷練到及格就好，這樣平均下來，應該還是有小小的幾率可以過關吧???!

2013-05-15, 星期三 – 第三天

好累。。。

真的不知道是否撐得下去，也不知道這麼硬撐是否是對的。。。希望 God 會 guide me to the direction according to His will.

我的 adrenal 應該過了。連續兩個晚上下課後整晚都睡不着。今天還在泳池畔我就已經快倒了。偏偏回家還要洗碗、洗衣。。。

好在有些許看到自己的進步，今天抬頭捷可以游 25 公尺了~~

雖然離及格還有好一大段距離，明天的目標定 30 公尺吧~

發現還有一項不及格的項目，潛泳。早知道當年就和同學他們一起練 free dive，現在應該就不會是問題了吧?!  短距離目標，今天過了兩條線，明天再加一條。總共 6 條，一天加一條，到下星期三應該可以 6 條全過吧。。。希望!

Anakin  剛剛做夢爬起來哭哭要找媽咪。。。。唉，我的堅持是對的嗎???!

2013-05-16, 星期四 – 第四天

今天感覺好像有那麼一點點信心喔~~

潛泳只游了 10 公尺 =(

因為還沒下水我就開始緊張，心跳加速，呼吸急促。

頭潛下去就吐掉了一半的氣。。。唉，明天再加油。

只是抬頭捷有達到今天的階段性目標，一股氣游了 30  公尺。只是開始上課的兩輪我只游了一輪，再加上  50 公尺的抬頭捷，其它的就沒力氣了，而且全班已經開始做下一個活動了。

下課前的抬頭捷就只有 25 公尺了，但完全的 300 公尺至少是有游完啦。

只是，就算距離游到了，我的速度呢????!

2013-05-17, 星期五 – 第五天

今晚回家沒有那麼累，應該是宵夜比較小份，只有 250 公尺~

雖然抬頭捷沒有進步，停頓在 30 公尺處，就必須站起來喘好幾下。可是在站起來前的幾秒鐘，我好像有一閃既逝的感覺好像捉到了適合自己的小偏步。可惜因為體力用盡，無法再多游一些，讓那感覺明確些。而一旦站起來就沒力持續了。。。

我覺得我的手沒力，所以江教練說手要用力划到水面再拉起來對我太辛苦了。我試著靠著岸邊，只有打水和抬手，沒有實質的前進，發現我手划抬個 30  秒就酸到舉不起來。而根據我的速度， 30 秒還游不到 20 公尺，難怪我破不了一股氣 30 公尺的瓶頸。所以，明天我要來試試看手只用力划一半到於水面垂直的角度，往後的部份就輕鬆的讓水帶起來到水平面。而在讓浮力幫我把手帶到水平面時，我的手臂就可以稍微休息一下，再用力拉開水面。手進行的速度會慢很多，但至少我可能可以一股氣游完 50 公尺。速度的部份就讓抬頭娃及仰泳追吧。

側泳時好時壞。游著游著就變仰泳了。若要刻意側身，脖子就好酸，而且會喝水。

好累的時候我就偷吃步地把身體翻仰一點。

今天練接近救人法。在淺水區操作還不錯，到了深水區就不行了。

也練了跳水。從沒跳過水，但還好身體沒有被水打到。只是角度太深，其中一次撞到頭，好痛。回家老公幫我擦藥時，發現撞到都破皮了，真是撞破頭了。。。

明、後天早上請假，希望進度不會落後太多。雖然通過這次的證照考對我很重要，但我畢竟是個媽媽，參與孩子的重要時刻對我更重要。明天 Anakin 要參加他第一次的體操比賽，三歲的他只是去玩玩，因為跳箱都比他高~~ 可是，畢竟是他的第一個比賽，還是要去加油。星期天是 Aaron 的，他去年表現得不錯，今年對手堅強，不知會表現得如何。本來有想說請星期六早上，參加 Anakin 的就好，但看到他好希望我參加，又害怕失望的樣子，還是捨不得。

昨天一位教練的告知有小鐵人這麼一個活動。告訴了 Aaron 和 Ethan，兩個孩子興致勃勃。趁著這次的訓練體力有比較好，可以借機與 Aaron 參與親子檔。也許游泳時我可以用蛙式背著 Anakin，讓年級還太小得他也參與得到。

而下星期就麻煩了。老公說星期一傍晚飛美國，星期五才回來。爸比不在，兩個孩子一定會等我回家才要睡覺。而下星期一、二、三又是關鍵時刻。。。唉，dear Lord, I entrust myself in Your hand.  I know I cannot do this alone.  Please let your well be done.

2013-05-18, 星期六 – 第六天

沮喪。。。

雖然今天運用了昨天領悟的方式，抬頭捷 50 公尺有一口氣游完，但聽教練的語氣我的速度應該不夠。唉，速度我就沒辦法了。。。這梯次的訓練就當是起個頭吧。下次應該更有機會過關。

潛泳還是破不了 10M，因為我花太多力氣和時間在努力下沈，而沒有 cover 距離。算了，反正過不了。就先努力練距離吧。下沈的部份，留著下次參加時再練吧。

今天一起配合救溺練習的同學很不友善。其中有一個帶人後用直立拉起身的練習。教練說游到對岸淺水區，我游到大約 30M 處她就說好了，可是我說我比較矮，要在過去一點我才爬得起來。她勉強讓我再游了一下下，就直起身子。我帶她到岸邊，試著一隻手壓著她的手，做單人出水。可以岸邊還是太高了，我爬不出來。用力跳的過程手肘去打到她，她很生氣。而因為力氣不夠，出水我只能滾上岸邊。教練就指出我的手離開了溺者的手。唉，我也知道啊。。。後來有一個將溺者反手放胸前拖的動作，另一隻手應該是要拖顎，身體用仰泳，但她堅持要用單手側用的方式，我和教練確認後跟她說，她還是不信。唉，很不幸的，考試時以學號算，我會是跟她一組的。算了，反正潛泳的距離和四式的時間就會把我刷下來了，這個就儘量配合她好了。她應該也覺得自己很倒霉被分配到和一個泳技這麼差的大嬸同一組吧。。。 =(

今天因為 Anakin 體操比賽，所以到泳池上課時已經 1:30pm。總教練蠻不高興的。我就也不敢說星期一、二、三老公要出差，如果阿公無法處理孩子的話，我得提早回家。只是能力已經不足了，再減少練習的時間，這樣結果不是更慘???!

唉，不想了啦，再想也是無解。就只能儘力了。真的不行得退訓就退訓吧，反正這期也考不過，也一樣得再參加一期。。。

2013-05-19, 星期天 – 第七天

今天好像又覺得有了那麼一點點希望。

潛泳在練了不知道幾次後，還真的有那麼一次讓我潛泳到 25M 處，但就那麼一千零一次。下課後我再自己練習就又回到 10M ~ 15M 了。。。這就像 Aaron 的跳馬前手翻。星期五練習時表現了一次 100 分的，結果今天比賽卻失誤了。當身體肌肉記憶不夠熟悉時，就只能靠運氣了。

早上請假，沒有做到四式的計時，很好奇我現在游多久。入訓考時我游了大概 9 分多吧，我猜。不知道經過這六天的訓練，進步了多少。

潛泳的幾件事：

1)    如果一開始沒有潛下去，我就下不去了。所以，要努力練習鐮刀式入水。

2)    大蛙腳可以讓我持續留在水裡，但小蛙腿會讓我浮出水面。

教練認為我的速度不夠，叫我要利用白天的時間再自行練習，可是我早上上寶寶瑜珈課到中午，Aaron 和 Anakin 就都回家了，怎麼去泳池練習??!  我想我先用板凳練習好了，這幾天用板凳練習好像有點用。

2013/05/23 - Dear Aaron & Aanakin: Try your best if you believe it is worthwhile

2013-05-14 Tuesday

Dear Aaron and Anakin,

Mommy just started the training for the lifeguard certification last night.  I am writing this down so that later in your life time, when you are ever hesitate to do something, thinking that you are too old, I hope my story will be an inspiration.

After I have been teaching baby swimming in the past 6 years, I think my next move would be to become a trainer.  However, Birthlight requires that all trainer candidates must be a certified swimming teacher first.  When I looked into it, Taiwan’s swimming teacher certification requires that you be a certified lifeguard first.  I did my research and talked to a number of experts, but thought the prerequisites nearly impossible for me at age 40.  Specifically, the qualifying test to join the lifeguard training program is to swim 200 meters within 6 minutes.  I don’t know how old you are while you are reading this, but this prerequisite is really difficult for me.  I had only attended one summer of swimming class when I was in first grade, and I nearly drowned in that experience.  Then, I pretty much self-taught myself how to swim breaststroke and had enjoyed swimming tremendously.  However, I had never tried, nor had I ever had the reason, to swim with speed.  Anyway, even though becoming a Birthlight trainer is what I want to do, I was not sure how to reach that goal.

Then, last Wednesday, after my baby swimming class, I was chatting with a mom, Lillian, giving her my perspective of a second career with Birthlight so that she may consider taking the training.  I was sharing with her my plan of becoming a trainer and my obstacle in obtaining the swimming teacher certification because of my age.  Just then, her mom, the grandma of the baby, jumped in and said she got her lifeguard certification and swimming teacher certification at age 50!  I was in wide-eye awe.  50!!  That is 10 years more than my current year!  What excuse have I got then?  At that moment, Lillian and I committed to taking the training.

Last night was the training prerequisite test and the first of 10 days of classes.  Lillian and I were in the same lane.  I started the first 50 meters with freestyle, but the time I got to the other end, I was completely out of breath.  I tried to do freestyle back, but I just could not catch my breath.  I switched breaststroke, but still could not breath.  At the end, I had to switch to head up breaststroke.  I took a break, then kicked off again in freestyle, but was only able to cover 10 meter or so because I had to switch to breaststroke for the remaining 40 meter of the lap.  On the last 50 meter, I again tried to do freestyle, but it was impossible, so I end up swimming back in head up breaststroke again.  Needless to say, my time was WAY over the 6 minute requirement… in fact, I was only happy that I finished the 200 meters!!  There were times that I so much wanted to quit, especially hanging on the railing, seeing so many eyes on me.  I preyed and I continued and I finished.

Fortunately, the trainer agreed to let me join the program, but he also told me that I may have difficulty passing the certification exam at the end of the training.  Well, I obviously jumped at the offering to join the training.  After all, if I don’t try it, how do I know I cannot?! 

For the remainder of the night, we were taught head up breaststroke and head up freestyle.  I did the head up breaststroke relatively well, since that is the style that I do with you, then later Anakin, hanging on my back.  But when it came to head up freestyle, I nearly drowned again!  I did it more like a doggy paddle and an almost drowning one at that.  I am still clueless at this point as to how I am going to swim the head up freestyle when my head down freestyle isn’t very good to begin with…

Anyway, I still have a strategy.  I will perfect my head up breaststroke and head down breaststroke, then try to do an acceptable freestyle, then a barely passing head up freestyle.  If the scores average out, I should still pass… I think.

2013-05-22 Wednesday

Dear Aaron and Anakin,

Today is the exam at the end of the 10 days training.  I thank you so much for being understanding for mommy and being responsible for yourself.  Aaron, you have been going to bed before mommy gets home and wakes up on your own in the morning for school.  Anakin, even though you waited up in the past two nights since Babi had been away on the business trip, you couldn’t keep up tonight and was sound asleep when I just walked in.  I thank you for not throwing tantrums in the past 10 days even though you have very limited time with mommy.

Well, unfortunately, mommy didn’t pass.  After all that you’ve suffered on my behalf, I failed.  I am sorry.  But you need to know that I have tried my best and nearly killing myself doing so.

The swimming test contained:

1.     Swimming 200M with head up freestyle, head up breaststroke, side, and backstroke within 5min 30 seconds.

2.     Submerge dive for 20M with one breath

3.     Swim freestyle for 25M, dive in to pick up an android filled with water (my guest is ~20kg because it felt much heavier than Anakin), then swim for 25M dragging the android

4.     Stay above water fro 3min and float for 3min

The 4^th item was a piece of cake for me, but the other 3 were very challenging.  For the submerge dive, I had only been able to do 10M up to Sunday!  And for the 200M swim, my time at the entrance exam was over 10 minutes!

Tonight, I passed everything except the 200M, which I swam 6 minute 30 seconds.  The passing time is 5 min 30 seconds, so I failed.  However, I was not the longest one, mind you!  I beat 3 girls half my age!

Even though I am disappointed to the point that I shed a few tears, I am so very proud of what I have accomplished.  Life is not a smooth ride; you will not achieve everything on your first try, no matter how hard you work on it.  The point is if it is something worth doing, then you will just need to try again.

So, will I try the certification exam again?  I am planning on it.  I will try to keep up the strength I have built up from swimming 500M ~ 700M every night in the past 10 days by swimming 3 days a week, then enter again when my time is shorten.

Though, just a caution side note.  Even when you are putting in your best effort, always remember your priority.  I missed the mornings of the two full day training on Saturday and Sunday to accompany you to your gymnastics competition.  One of the girls who swam slower than me passed because she had not absence during the whole training.  Perhaps I could have passed too had I not taken those two mornings off.  However, in the grand scheme of things, I still believe being there for you during your competition is a worthwhile trade off.  After all, it was Anakin’s first competition.  And, Aaron, mommy is glad to be there for your emotional support when you messed up the front flip on the vault and took away your chance of being awarded.  Even though you tried to hide it, mommy knows that you are disappointed, as disappointed as I am tonight.  So, remember, while you may have your eyes focused on your goals, make sure your loved ones are always a priority at all times!!

So, that’s the story of the day, my babies.  I’m hopping into bed with you two now~~

2013/01/11 - Dear Aaron: Great Drawing

2013-01-11 (Aaron 7Y11M)

Dear Aaron,

I am so proud of you when you showed me your artworks from this semester. 
They truly look like award winning pieces that are showcased in public!! 

Even though you still said “我覺得我畫得好爛喔,” words that put yourself down, but your eagerness in sharing them with me betrayed your hidden
pride.  =)

Then your enthusiasm in wanting to draw when we got home tells me that you really wanted to show off the skills that you’ve learned!

My dear, I am your mommy, so, by definition, I am the warm in your tummy, or so as the saying goes, and your thoughts cannot escape my ESP~  (and I’m still amused by how surprise you are at me knowing every time you sneak behind my back to watch TV).  Well, at least this is still so at age
almost 8.  I hope our closeness will survive your teenage years.

Love you~

2012/08/07 - Dear Aaron: It's your first overnight camp!

2012-08-07

Dear Aaron,

Tonight is your first night at your first over-night summer camp. I know I pushed you to this experience, but I still cannot help worrying if you are crying yourself to sleep. It is so difficult being a parent. On one hand, I want you to stay small and within my eyesight, yet, I need to push you to expand your comfort zone and explore the world. I am constantly trying to find a balance between the two forces.

Last night, you cried yourself to sleep, unwilling to go. You’ve known about this camp for a while to be mentally prepared. And you were still happy as of 8pm when we were packing together. But as we lied in bed at 9pm, you started saying that you really don’t want to go. A part of me was angry at you for not appreciating the relatively large sum of money that we paid for the camp, yet a part of me was wondering if I’m pushing you toward something that you are not ready for. At the end, I decided that I wouldn’t force you to go if you really don’t want to, though I’m not sure if my tone of voice and body language still betrayed the part of me that was angry. As I watched you finally fell asleep, I prayed that our Lord may give you the courage to undertake this challenge.

In the morning, you woke up still unwilling to go. You knew I wanted you to go and you asked me for me opinion. I told you to decide. Yes, it’s a lot of money going to waste if you decide not to go, but perhaps it’s money worth spending to wait for you to be truly ready. I told you that even if you do not want to attend the camp, we still need to go tell the teachers that you are not going… so, the option of going would still open to you until the last minute when the bus drives away. You saw through me, though.

On our drive over, you were characteristically quiet when you are nervous. You felt sick with the butterfly in your stomach. You felt the presence of the monster that grows from within your stomach to consume you whole before you get on stage or go into a competition. I told you that I, too, am nervous; you did not respond. At one red light, I looked back and you smiled at me. Your smile was so genuine that it soothed my worry… well, at least cut it by half. Then, I knew in my heart that you are ready and that you will be okay. Thank you, my baby, for reassuring me when I most needed.

It was a rush sending you away because you are the last one to arrive! We did not have anytime to bid a touchy feely farewell, which was probably a good thing. Anakin wanted to go with you when he saw you left. Then, as the night fell, he asked again for you, expecting you to be home from “school.” Surprisingly, though, he did remember you telling him that you wouldn’t be home tonight (or tomorrow night) when I reminded him.

I cannot control my motherly worry, but seeing your smile in the camp photo, I believe you are enjoying your time. My baby, I can’t wait for your return to tell me all about the camp.

First day at Camp Taiwan Mini Camp

2012/02/07 - Happy 7 Years Old, Aaron

2012-02-06

Dear Aaron,

 You turned 7 this past Saturday!!

We celebrated your birthday with a bowling afternoon with some of your little friends. I know you wanted more people to come, but the date being still on winter break and that Saturday happened to be a makeup working day, we were only able to get 3 families to join us. However, Tong-Tong came all the way from Taichung and spent the night before with us. That made your birthday fun latest over 36 hours!!

You have surprised me lately with how well you take care of and handle Anakin. I am proud of you for being such a wonderful big brother and Anakin is lucky to have you. The way you try to cheer Anakin up when he is upset, the way you sooth him when he is hurt, I can already see that you will grow up to be a loving father with your own children when the time comes.

As of today, at 7 years old, you still choose to sleep with mommy and afraid to sleep by yourself in your own room, but you have managed to come home from school all by yourself. You still ask mommy to peel and take out the seeds for the grapes that you eat, but you can wash yourself and Anakin, including hairs, cleanly. Even though you take unnecessarily long to complete your homework, you do proactively do them right after school without me nagging. I don’t know how other mothers judge their children, but I think you are on your route to independence just fine~

I thank God for watching over you everyday, keeping you safe and healthy. I pray that He will continue to be your guidance, allowing you to retain your innocence. I pray that you will maintain your kindness to others and love for the world.

Dear baby, I know you had a very happy birthday and I am grateful that we can give you such a memory.

Love,
mommy

2012/02/04 - Aaron 7 YR birthday w/ 寬寬，彤彤，瑄瑄，甯甯 @ 淡水大魯格保齡球館


2012/02/04 - Aaron 7 YR birthday w/ 彤彤，Anakin, 瑄瑄，甯甯, 寬寬 @ 淡水大魯格保齡球館


2012/02/04 - Aaron 7 YR birthday w/ 寬寬，彤彤 @ 淡水大魯格保齡球館


2011/May - Aaron's kindergarten graduation, 康寧托兒所 w/香香老師

2011/09/18 - Letter to Aaron, 2011-09-28

Dear Aaron,

今天是教師節。星期六媽咪跟你說我們今天要回康寧去看 Yoyo 老師和香香老師，問你要不要做卡片給他們。而你從學校放學都 5:30pm 了，吃飯洗澡，晃一下就到睡覺時間。再加上這兩個星期媽咪都在上課，沒時間陪你做卡片，因此一直到今天早上你上學前，都還沒有進度。我們約好你中午放學，上過 Jessicia 的課後就開始做。很不巧的，你今天確生病了。學校要打預防針，量了體溫才發現你發燒，要媽咪帶回家。當然，卡片沒做成，我們也沒回康寧祝香香老師和 Yoyo 老師教師節快樂。

下午你窩在我旁邊休息，突然問我 Yoyo 老師要怎麼寫，我回了你，但沒想到你為什麼問。

晚上和劉老師打電話，討論明天是否讓你請假，因為你明天應該還是燒燒退退。聊著，劉老師提起今天你一直把要做卡片給 Yoyo 老 師和香香老師的事放在心上。老師說，你一早就問老師有沒有紙，因為你忘了帶要做卡片的紙，還請老師幫你剪一半，這樣才能做兩張卡片。老師說，下課的時候小 朋友都跑出去玩，但你自己留在教室，做你的卡片。聽了老師的陳述，我才知道今天下午，雖然發燒不舒服，你還是想著做卡片。

我親愛的寶貝，媽咪好感動你這麼重視這件事，媽咪好 proud of you 你自願犧牲下課和小朋友玩的時間來做這件事。香香老師和 Yoyo 老師真的是你人生的第一位好老師。我感謝上帝對你的照顧。只要在你人生的路上，繼續有好老師引導你，我相信你 will grow up to be a contributing member of our society.

I love you~

Mommy, 2011-09-28

2011/09/19 - Letter to Aaron, 2011-09-19

Dear Aaron,

You made another milestone today.  I haven’t got the chance to write to you about your kindergarten graduation nor about you starting you first day in elementary school.  And, here you are, growing so fast.

You were supposed to come home with Ann (the 3^rd grader who lives in our community, in case you forgot who she is by the time you are old enough to be reading this) after school today.  This would be the first time that I do not pick you up after school.  I reason it should be relatively safe.  Ann is a responsible girl, you do not need to cross a big road to enter the MRT station, it’s only one stop to get home, and a very familiar 3 min walk from the MRT station home.  But of course life has to have its complications…Ann forgot to bring her MRT card with her today.  I would have asked the station manager to deduct two people from your card so you two can still come home together.  But, you and Ann reasoned that you would need to come home by yourself (though I still have yet to find out how she got home).  Later, I learned that you took the wrong direction on the MRT.  You saw Ri-Hu Department Store and realized that you took the wrong direction.  Though scared (you told me so afterwards), you had the sense to get off the train, walk to the other side of the platform, and get on the next train to get home.  Even though the 20 minute trip home turned to an almost one hour-long adventure, you got home safe and sound.  For this, I am so proud of your problem solving skills, my dearest little one.  Even though you were scared, you did not cry.  Instead, you calmly solved the problem. 

And I am ever so grateful that God answered my daily prayer to keep you safe and health and around me.  So many things could have gone wrong even if you did not panic.  After all, you are only 6 ½ years old.  How are you to judge ill intention should you met the wrong people on your way?  You are still naïve, thinking all bad people would have the label “I am bad” written across their forehead.  A kind smile or a friendly chitchat would make you deem the person nice and good.  You are still yet to learn that the darkest evil in real life is often disguised in kindness.  So, dear one, I have not figured out how to teach you to be cautious yet keep an open heart.  In the meantime, I can only leave you in God’s hand, pray that God will continue to watch over you.

-- Mommy, 2011/09/19

2011/06 /08 Kindergarten Graduation Photo Shoot, 6Y4M

2011/05/17 - In Memory

2011-05-17

Dear Baby,

You came so quietly
and left so silently
I only learned of your unannounced arrival
upon learning of your sudden departure
Were you the little girl that we always wanted?
Or a little boy to add to the gang?

I guess your were being thoughtful
knowing that your Brother Anakin still needs mommy fully
Thank you for being understanding
If you decide to come again in a year's time,
we will then embrace you with open arms.
Though you might want to make your presence known
so mommy will be more careful
and not let your Brother Anakin ride on my tummy like horsy~~

from Mommy

2010/12/30 - 閒母日記 - Christmas 2010

Last Christmas, Anakin 剛滿月。
媽咪坐月子，沒辦法架聖誕樹。
一直到 Christmas Eve, Aaron 還是認定 Santa 不會來，雖然心理超希望 Santa 有記得他，度過了一個期待又怕受傷害的 Christmas Eve~
還好 Santa 還是有來，帶了他的禮物，也帶了弟弟的禮物。
Christmas Day, Aaron 一起床，就跑下樓，再衝到媽咪的房間說 "媽咪，Santa 真的有來過耶，他把我準備的點心吃掉了"~~~

今年，Thanksgiving 媽咪就把聖誕樹搬出來了。
Aaron 和子泓在一個星期四 Jessica 上課前，兩個人協力把 tree decorate 好喔~
媽咪只有架樹，掛燈，還有放 Angel, 其它都是兩個小朋友做的!!

2010/11/18 - Christmas Tree Decoration

Yeh, all decorations are up!

2010/11/18 - Tree is Ready
但 3 個小朋友，得要 3 連拍才抓得到各個 ok 的表情。。。


O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree
Thy candle shine so brightly~


As Christmas gets near, presents are placed underneath the tree... and there were lots this year!
Aaron was so excited that he could barely get himself to bed on Christmas Eve!
2010/12/24 Lots of gifts... mostly for Aaron


2010/12/24 Babi holding little Anakin


2010/12/24 Anakin's 2nd Christmas
(actually, Anakin was very much afraid of that Santa Micky)


2010/12/24 Our adorable little Santa... or, is it elf??!


On Christmas Eve, Aaron 睡前幫 Santa 準備了點心，還“畫”了thank you note.


Christmas day, at the crack of dawn, literally, Aaron woke up excitedly.
後來聽爸比說，Aaron 已經在床上等了好久，問了好幾次 "我可以起來了嗎"。
Unfortunately, 媽咪實在太累了，起不來，missed 了 Aaron open Christmas gifts 的 moments。
雖然爸比有 capture 在 video, 但沒第一手感受及分享到 Aaron 的興奮。。。後悔~~~

2010/12/25 有邁入 teenager 的樣子嘍...

2010/10/08 - Aaron 大明星的第一步

Aaron 的第一支廣告。。。嗯，我的星媽夢有望了~~~ 2010/Oct at 5Y8M

2010/08/14 - Dear Aaron & Anakin: Choose the better part

2010-08-02

 

Dear Aaron / Dear Anakin,

 

I don’t know how much will religion be a part of your life.  But if you ever feel stressed with dilemma on distributing your time between spiritual life and earthly life, I hope you will find this writing enlightening.

 

自從 Aaron 出生後，媽咪去 church 的次數越來越少。在 Anakin 到來後，次數更是少得可憐。在星期六晚上，我會特別禱告，讓星期天可以順利去 church。但到星期天早上，總是有好多的 obstacles。孩子要喝奶、便便、睡覺，事情總是發生在我準備好要出門時。要不就是爸比想到要出遊、阿公/阿嬤約了要做什麼。天氣也是常常不配合。好多好多的生活雜事和 obligations 卡在我和上帝的約會時間。

 

上上星期天媽咪難得自己去 church。跪在主的面前，我有些難過，因為又過了好幾個星期沒上教堂。有一位 Edwin 叔叔全家坐在我前面。我看著他們，心理更難過了，覺得我的 spiritual life 過的好辛苦。如果全家都信主，像 Stephen 叔叔他們、像 Edwin 叔叔他們，那星期天上教堂會是那麼的理所當然，沒上教堂反而是偶爾不得已的情形。而不是像現在，媽咪要好努力、好努力，不止是安排好要出門的事，還要努力克服自己的懶惰，才能如願到主的跟前。

 

我看著耶穌的像，問著為什麼不是讓我和有同樣信仰的人結婚。為什麼讓我對上帝的追隨這麼辛苦。是因為上帝少愛我一些嗎?  我不願相信。

 

當天的 scripture 是 Jesus 到 Marsha 和 Mary 的家。Marsha 忙進忙出，幫主準備吃的喝的；而 Mary 只坐在主的跟前，聽祂說話。Marsha 向 Jesus 抱怨，請 Jesus 叫 Mary 來幫她。Jesus 回說，“Marsha, Marsha, Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken away from her.”牧師說，聽起來 Jesus 好像要我們拋開凡事，聽主的話。把時間奉獻給主，為主工作。但，我們現在就是生活在地上啊，雖然要準備去天上的家，地上的生活也是不能不過啊。是否我們就是要一直面對 earthy life 和 spiritual life 的 dilemma 呢? 我聽得心有慼慼焉，牧師再來的話卻是一語驚醒夢中人。

 

牧師說，如果我們認為上帝是要我們在肉體的生活和靈性的生活中做選擇，那我們就 miss 了 Jesus 那麼辛苦成為人的意義了。因為上帝對我們的愛，讓 Jesus 化為人，面對我們每天要面對的吃喝拉薩，每天要面對的懶惰誘惑。“Mary has chosen the better part”裡的 “the better part”指的是 Mary 選擇把心專注的放在她所選擇的事上。Mary 選擇坐在 Jesus 跟前聽祂說話，在祂的話裡找到 grace of God; Marsha 選擇 take care of Jesus 的生活所需，她也可以在忙裡忙外中找到 grace of God.

 

So, my dear Aaron and Anakin, 媽咪選擇了結婚、生小孩，而不是進修道院做修女 (雖然媽咪真的曾經認真的想做修女)，我就該認真的把屎把尿，在每天中發現 grace of God 並感謝。雖然不能每個星期上 church，但我仍天天 pray，時時感恩。在你們身上，我發現和 lamb of God 一般的純真和 blamelessness。在你們身邊，我發現天堂。Anakin 軟軟的童音，是天使的樂章。Aaron 撒嬌的抱抱，是完美的幸福。真的，只要看著你們，我就會不停的讚美主，感謝祂讓兩個完美的孩子到我生命中，感謝祂讓你們健康、平安。

 

I thank Lord for answering my prayers today, for reminding me to choose the better part.

 

When you are reading this, my dear Aaron and Anakin, remember that there is no dilemma in the glory of God, you just need to open your heart and choose the better part.

2010/08/14 Aaron (5Y6M) & Anakin (8M2W) sleeping in peace, holding on

2010/07/17 - 閒母日記 - 學校外拍跟拍

這其實是四月的事了，補 post.
Aaron 的學校要拍畢業照，因為畢業生只有四人，為了談得好價錢，在校生也跟著拍了藝術生活照。
那 天外拍，天氣晴朗，孩子開朗，就連我用我的傻瓜相機也捕捉到了幾張有有感覺的 moments.

2010/04/29 - 哥兩好~~ Aaron 和他最喜歡的 Arthur 哥哥 (宮義綾)


2010/04/29 - 美麗的義綾媽咪和妹妹。。。不，想太多了，是 Anakin (5M)


2010/04/29

2010/06/26 - Dear Aaron: I love you

2010-06-26, 1:29am

 

Dear Aaron,

 

You just had a fit from your nightmare.

You kicked and screamed and cried and could not be consoled.

I held you tight and rocked you, but your body was rigid and could not be comforted.

I wondered what demand was hunting you in your sleep.

Then, Anakin woke up, and you opted to go to Babi and I had to tend to Anakin instead.

After Anakin fell back asleep, I went to your room to check on you and saw you curled up into a little ball under Babli’s feet, hid in the blanket.

Babi said you were upset because I said that I do not want you any more.

As I recall of our conversation the night before, you were the one who said you do not want me as a mommy any more.  Your words were “我不要這個媽咪了，我要找一個新的媽咪不會罵我、會每天都買玩具給我的媽咪。”I had playfully replied “好啊，你找得到這樣的媽咪我就把你送給她。”

Though, Babi insisted that when you said “我不要媽咪了”, I had replied that “那我也不要你了.”  Had I, dear Aaron?

If I had, then I had uttered those words so carelessly and mindlessly that I totally do not remember, especially the mood and tone of our conversation had been a playful one.

Why did you hold those words so close to heart that you brought them to sleep?

What feelings have you been bottling up in your little heart?

What thoughts have you been locking up in your little mind?

Could you truly believe that mommy would give you up so easily?

My dear Aaron, it is so difficult being a parent.

I have been doing my best to assure you my love and consistent presence, but was my efforts so futile that your trust in my love could be shuttered in so few words?

This is so very upsetting and frustrating and disappointing.

I had joggled between you and a relatively high paying and socially rewarding job since your birth until you turned 3, and functioned in the minimal 3~5 hours daily sleep.

I had quit my job entirely after you turned 3 when you refused to go to preschool and had filled my schedule with your presence until you started preschool last summer.

I had forgone my intellectual stimulation to the millions whys of a 3 year old.

I had left the air-conditioned office to parks and playgrounds.

I had stored away computer to make way for finger painting and dough playing.

We had lots and lots of fun together.

We collected leaves and observed bugs.

We talked about God and your great-grandparents.

We played swings and slides and counted clouds.

But… alas, all these memories I held so dear to heart were lost in yours.

In a few meaningless words, you are shattered.

My dear Aaron, being a parent does not come with manuals.

One day, when you are reading these words, I hope you will be reminded that mommy love you so very very very much.

You recently have been toying with the concept of infinity.

Well, my darling, that’s how much I love you.

One day, when you have little ones of your own, maybe reading this will make you less upset in your own war of parenting.

As you will learn that no matter how much you do as a parent, your child can forget easily.

And as you will also learn that no matter how many times and how bad your heart is broken by your child, you can forgive and continue giving.

I love you, my baby.

Even with Anakin sharing my time with you, my love for you is not lessened.

A mother’s heart is as big as the universe,

And it can contain infinite love for all of her children.

2010/05/29, Aaron (5Y4M) and Anakin (6M) posing for 統一多多星選拔 photo.
Taken by 想當星媽想瘋了的媽咪~


2010/4/29, 5Y3M, Aaron school photo

2010/05/08 - 閒母日記 – 問將的日子

2010-04-16

 

近來天氣晴時多雲偶陣雨，帶 Anakin 出門開車居多。

通常早上帶 他上課，下課後喝個ㄋㄟ ㄋㄟ，上車就睡了。

就算在家附 近，車程只有 3 分鐘，他 也撐不到家。

但回家抱他 起來，他就起床了。

卻又因沒睡飽，就很鬧，要抱抱，搞得又餓又累的媽我有時到 3、4點還沒吃午餐。

 

有天，他一 樣在車上睡了，我就順道去外帶個便當，想說回家不用煮，抱著也可以吃。到了家車庫口，剛好車道在整理，但很餓了，就在車上先開起來吃。車道用好，Anakin 還在睡，乾脆吃飽再下車庫。

 

就這樣，開 始了我做問將的日子。

發現把車停 在車庫口的樹下，開個車窗、天窗，微風徐徐，鳥叫蟲鳴；Anakin 睡得香甜，我吃的愜意，吃完還可以小小咪一下。Anakin 醒來可以立刻下車道，抱他起來 (因為他醒來做汽車安全座椅會抗議到鬼哭神嚎)。Anakin 睡飽飽，精神好； 媽咪吃飽飽，心情好~~~

幾天下來， 練就了在車上用餐的好本領；便當是小 case，連湯麵都可以在車上吃，還不會打翻喔!!

2010/3/18 Anakin ~4M; 小畢叔叔的大作~

2010/03/21

Dear Anakin...

At almost 4 months, you continue to be a good baby, though you are way too clingy to mommy.  When you have your mind made up to want mommy, YOU WANT MOMMY!  No one can appease you, not even babi.  And when you are determined to cry… boy, you do have great lungs and high pitch vocal.  Perhaps being a tenor can be your future career…

You are a natural water baby.  We’ve been in the pool 3x and you submerged this past Saturday~ 

You still require your night feeding, but you usually are good in going right back to sleep immediately.  My only complain is that you are an early riser like your brother Aaron.  He used to wake up at 5:30am and needing to poop.  You are a bit better, 6:30am, and also need to poop in the toilet.  I worry that one of these mornings, I might doze off and drop you into the toilet...

2010/03/12 - 生日/結婚紀念日

2010-03-03

 

又過生日了，37 歲，離 40 歲越來越近；縂認為 40 歲就是中年人了，確不覺得自己有那麼老。我會不會是那種 60 歲還穿著娃娃裝，綁著高馬尾的老甜甜??!

 

曾經，有雄心大志，預計 40 歲就要退休，賺夠多的 $$ 周遊列國。生命裡的兩個寶寶，把我從天上拉回人間，成了離世之日才是退休之日的老媽子。對 $$ 的野心，被對孩子的愛心取代。$$，夠用就好；陪孩子的時間，永遠不夠。

 

曾經，我什麼 都怕。走路怕狗，在家怕蟑螂，獨處怕鬼怪，就是愛玩不怕死；滑雪、潛水、跳傘，追求一種全然的靜。有了寶寶，我為母則強，變得什麼都不怕。帶寶寶散步，眼 帶殺氣的瞪著野狗，警告牠們不得靠近；看到蟑螂，用透明塑膠袋徒手活捉，讓寶寶當自然教學研究；晚上自己和寶寶在家，在黑暗裡默聲警告，是鬼是怪，離我家 寶寶遠遠的；就是變得超怕死，每天都 paranoid 的擔心自己無法陪寶寶長大。

 

結婚六年，有了 Anakin，住在一起的兩個人，日子過得更像平行線。他下班回家 7:30 ~ 8:30，一回家就趕緊吃飯，飯桌上是和 Aaron 的聊天時間，聽他說學校、說睡覺做夢、說卡通看到的情節。吃飯要趕 8:30 ~ 9:30 幫 Anakin 洗澡的時間。有時吃一半，他先幫 Anakin 洗澡，我在餐桌陪 Aaron；Anakin 洗完澡，換我去哄 Anakin 睡覺，他回餐桌陪 Aaron。吃完還有 Aaron 洗澡、睡前說故事。等兩個孩子睡了，我也跨了。半夜起來餵奶、擠奶時，他也睡了。早上起來，又是乒乒乓乓的準備 Aaron 上學，處理 Anakin 便便、吃奶。。。哎，然後就是這樣日復一日。 有時，會突然驚覺怎麼已經 5、6天沒說到話???!

 

難怪我少女愛做夢的年紀時，想像愛情只到婚禮那天。想像和親愛的人終成眷屬，想像有個完美婚禮，做最美的新娘。就像童話故事的結局 － and then they live happily ever after… The problem was fairytales never extended to the day after the wedding.  When the two lovebirds wake up to be husband and wife, how does the formula change between the two?  And when the little one comes, then what?  Fortunately, I did have a perfect wedding.  Fortunately, I never had any expectation of married life.  Fortunately, I never imaged how the boyfriend and girlfriend chemistry would change when they become husband and wife, then when they become daddy and mommy.  So, whatever happened was as good as it can be. 

 

I do, however, have dreams and imaginations of how we would be when we are grandpa and grandma, when the kids are all grown and out of the nest.  I do see in my mind of us two old people holding hands rocking our afternoons away.  So, the gap in between, I guess I will fill it with whatever God has planned for me.  Fortunately, roses seemed to have been part of God’s plan so far~

 

Happy 37^th birthday, Judy.

Happy 6^th anniversary, sweetie~

2010/03/12, Beautiful bouquet from my thoughtful hubby~


2010/03/12, Roses violet, pink and white

2010/02/19 - About 媽咪阿公。。。

2010-02-19

Dear Aaron & Anakin,

Your grandpa gave us all, including himself, a scare on Tuesday.  He went into the emergency room as an out-patient, but diagnosed with 急性心肌哽塞.  A large portion of his heart was already damaged and a large portion of his lung was already 積水.  The situation was very serious, even your uncle 志豪 said so when he saw the X-ray.  The doctors gave him emergency 心導管.  Most fortunately, the operation was successful and he recovered smoothly.  However, this incident prompted me to write to you about your grandpa, in case another mishap happens and you do not get the chance to know him.

Your grandpa was a good father, a very good son and son-in-law.  He has a kind and forgiving heart.  Before this incident, he has been a very familiar visitor of ICU, but always as a caretaker.  When your great grandma (your grandpa’s mom) and great grandpa (your grandma’s dad) were hospitalized and being in and out of ICU, grandpa was the one frequented the hospital.  He bathed great grandma and great grandpa, changed their diapers, fed them, and accompanied them.  He did all those tasks with great enthusiasm and not the slightest complain in anyway.

When facing the wrong doing of others, he always gives them the benefits of the doubt.  For example, once grandpa was in the car with me and your Babi.  A car stopped in the middle of the traffic in the fast lane, created traffic.  Your Babi’s reaction was“這人會不會開車啊” said with annoyance; your grandpa’s was “他車是不是出了什麼問題”said with a general concern. 

Grampa was also quick to forgive.  When your grandpa had been financially well off, he gave to his brother and sisters and their children big red envelopes every Chinese New Year and during special occasions.  He always bought his brother (your great uncle) vitamins whenever he visits the States.  However, when grandpa fell financially, all his brothers and sisters turned on him.  Not only would they not loan him money, but they also belittled him during their interactions.  However, grandpa never uttered a word of ill meaning on them.  In fact, when we were complaining how selfish his brother and sisters were, he found them excuses.

Perhaps it was due to his kindness that he survived this trial.

Mommy has always been your grandpa’s little girl.  I think I sat on his laps until I became a mother myself with Aaron.  He gave me the freedom to determine my career, though he always believed that I should enter early childhood education.  He always said “妳很愛小孩子，就去做幼稚園老師，每天帶孩子唱唱跳跳，不是很快樂嗎?“ But mommy felt like I had to prove to him that I am a girl worthy of something.  So, against his advice, I majored in business as an undergrad.  After college, he said “回來台灣做英文老師。” So I decided to stay in Boston to work as a consultant.  After two years in consulting, he said “女孩子還是要組織家庭。” So I went to Carnegie Mellon of get my MBA.  He said “你電腦不好。” So I went to work as system integration consultant as Computer Sciences Corp after MBA.  I was always defying him, wanting to prove that I can be a 女強人。 The funny thing is that daddy knows his little girl best, and his little girl I will always be.  After Aaron’s arrival, my life shifted gear and now I am just as he had imagined me to be… and I am all the happier~

後記: 2013/12/06

Almost 4 years after that incident, 媽咪阿公 is healthily celebrating his 72 birthday~

He has been spending so much time with you two in the past 4 years, taking you to school and picking you up after school.  Playing with you while mommy prepares dinner.  你們兩個每天都阿公長、阿公短的。

I am so grateful that he’s been building these memories with you.  So that one day, when the inevitable comes, you two will be able to share with me our memories of him.  May God bless 阿公 to be with us for more time to build up our family memories and tradition.

2010/07/24 - Daddy & Anakin

2010/12/05

  
2011/02/28 - 六福村關西 hotel 

2012/11/23 - Anakin 3-YO birthday

2013/02/10 - 月世界

2009/11/27 - Dear Aaron: Here he is~~

Anakin (2 days old) & Aaron (4 yr 10 M) , 2009-11-25


Dear Aaron,

This is God’s gift to us.
A brother with whom you can share;
A rivalry with whom you can compete.
Your love for each other may sometimes turn sour;
Your blood that bounds you will tie you forever.
You now have someone with shared roots and history,
Though now you only see him as an inactive toy.
I hope you will always be there for each other,
Even after you’ve build your own families with another.
When mommy and daddy depart one day,
You will still have your brother~~~

2009/11/03 - 閒母日記: Happy Halloween, 2009

去年 Halloween 帶 Aaron 去美國，有 pumpkin festival, hay ride, and trick-or-treating in the mall and the neighborhood.  Aaron has such a fun time that he started talking about going back to the States for Halloween as soon as we were back.  本來也答應他今年會再去，但，計畫永遠無法預期變化，小 baby 決定年底報到，也沒辦法。

9 月 Aaron 開始挑他的  Halloween costume, 為娘的也努力的幫他找 Halloween 的活動。還好台灣的外國人夠多，各幼兒園也把 Halloween 納入主題教學，蠻多店家也願意配合，讓 Aaron 今年的 Halloween 依然拿糖拿到夠吃一整年~

星期五，學校下午帶出來 Halloween parade, 跟店家討糖。
一路念著:
“Trick-or treat, smell my feet. Give me something good to eat.
If you don’t , I don’t care, I’ll pull down your underwear.”



星期六早上，跟著嫂嫂的鄰居去他們小孩的幼兒園參加 Halloween Festival。阿公帶去的，我沒去，就沒相片，但聽起來也是遊行討糖，最後有個巫婆屋，還喝了巫婆湯。

星期六晚上，到 Diana  家參加 Halloween party。Diana 住陽明山上，在歐洲學校中學校區旁，有許多外國人住那邊，front yard 都佈置了應節的裝飾，感覺不出來我們在台灣。











星期天是 parent page playgroup 的 Halloween party, 在 Angie 家辦。雖然 Angie 家是別墅，很大，但擠了40 個小孩加 60~70個大人，還真的是無落腳之處~
Aaron 剛到時，看到那麼多人，又都是外國人，害怕了起來，在門口徘徊了 5 分鐘才進去；倒是 Ethan 很大方 (或是無視於他人的存在)，直接就進去玩了起來。





終於，累攤了的爸媽和小孩，連續趕了幾場 Halloween 活動，拿了太多太多的糖；但，至少 Aaron 這個 Halloween 還是過的很快樂，不會覺得因為小 baby 而壞了他的生活~~